Values: When You Can’t Control the Outcome, Choose the Way You Live
It’s human nature to want things to go a certain way. A job offer. A relationship. Relief from anxiety. Reaching a specific grade or goal. These are all outcomes—concrete results that we hope will make our lives better, easier, or more meaningful.
But here’s the catch: we can’t always control outcomes. And when we tie our happiness to whether or not we achieve them, we end up riding a rollercoaster of frustration, disappointment, and self-doubt.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers a powerful reframe: what if instead of focusing on what we get, we focused on how we live?
This is the difference between outcomes and values—and learning to live by your values, no matter what happens, can change everything.
What’s the difference between an outcome and a value?
An outcome is a specific, measurable result. “Get married.” “Buy a house.” “Stop feeling anxious.” “Get a promotion.”
A value is a chosen direction—a way of being in the world that matters deeply to you. “Be loving and connected.” “Live with integrity.” “Prioritize growth.” “Show kindness in difficult moments.”
Outcomes are outside our control. Values are something we can choose to embody at any moment, no matter the circumstances.
For example:
You can’t guarantee that someone will fall in love with you—but you can choose to be open, honest, and loving in your relationships.
You may not be able to eliminate anxiety—but you can act with courage and compassion as you navigate it.
You might not get the dream job—but you can still live out your value of growth by showing up, learning, and being true to yourself.
Living by values gives us back our power.
Why values make life more hopeful
When we measure success only by whether outcomes happen, we set ourselves up for constant comparison, striving, and burnout. We either “win” or we “fail.” But life isn’t that simple—and neither are we.
Values give us something deeper to hold on to.
When we act in alignment with our values, we build a life that feels meaningful, even when circumstances are hard. It gives us a sense of steadiness and purpose. It helps us keep going even when the results aren’t what we hoped for.
And over time? People who live according to their values tend to feel more resilient, more connected, and more hopeful—regardless of their situation.
A few reflective questions to try:
What matters most to me—even when things are uncertain?
How do I want to show up in this situation, even if I can’t control the outcome?
What kind of person do I want to be?
What values feel most meaningful to me right now, in this season of my life?
You don’t have to wait for a perfect moment or a finished goal to live a meaningful life. You can start right now—by choosing your values, and living into them, one small step at a time.
At Arise, we’re here to help you discover what matters most—and walk with you as you build a life rooted in clarity, compassion, and courage.
If you're ready to explore your values and move toward a more meaningful life, we’re here. Reach out anytime.
-Kade Cope, CSW