Anatomy of a Boundary
You know how sometimes a therapy concept will catch traction on the internet, and suddenly it’s all anyone can talk about? Like, maybe it starts off interesting and insightful, but then you watch it slide into cliché and cringey territory. And now anytime it’s brought up you roll your eyes and wish for a simpler time, before TikTok discovered the phrase gaslighting? You know that feeling?
Well, that’s how I felt about “boundaries.” The word was thrown around so flippantly, for so long, that it stopped meaning anything substantial. We knew we were supposed to have them and hold them and all that jazz, but we didn’t get clear answers on how to make them effective, or what real-life application would look like. I’m open to other people’s experiences, but that’s how I felt.
So—here goes nothing. From a therapist’s perspective, may I present the anatomy of a good boundary!
WHAT IT IS
A boundary is how YOU protect YOU.
It can be shared in an if … then … format.
It is actionable and in YOUR control.
It is something only YOU can hold for YOURSELF.
WHAT IT ISN’T
A boundary is not a demand on someone else (because, it turns out, we can’t control anyone else!).
It is not used to manipulate or punish someone else.
It is not something someone can enforce for you.
Alright, some examples.
NOT A BOUNDARY:
“You can’t talk to me like that anymore. I won’t allow it, that’s my boundary!”
This is… just a statement. It’s not even true actually, because you don’t have the ability to “allow” anyone to do anything. There is no clear path forward and nothing you can do to stop the problem.
EFFECTIVE BOUNDARY:
“If you continue to talk to me this way, I will only engage in conversation with you via text.”
This is a good boundary! It’s an if/then, it’s completely in your power, and its purpose is to protect your well-being.
There you have it. Have I successfully restored your interest in boundary keeping? I hope so. Because I have found this format to be empowering and actually useful. It takes practice, of course, and often the support of safe individuals who want to see you advocate for your needs. I think I know a place where you could find some of those… we at Arise would love to hear from you if you feel we can help. 🫶
- Tasha Worth, CSW